Please note, this post contains details on a journey through negative body image and disordered eating. If you’re triggered by that subject matter, please do not read.
It started when I was 13. I’m not sure I had much awareness of my body shape before then, except that I was sometimes called “skinny”. It seemed that it was considered a good thing so I remember taking it as a positive.
When I was 13 I went away to my first Summer Intensive. I ate the way my new found friends did. It was a lot more food than I was used to but I had never danced as much as I was either.
I definitely gained weight. My body had changed. I was prepubescent so a few more inches of height were coming my way. In the mean time, I had just added bulk and one of my regular teachers let me know.
A Turning Point
One of my first days back at my year round studio, I was sitting outside a class, observing before my own class started. My teacher patted me on the thigh and said, “that wasn’t there before.”
That was a turning point in my life. From that moment on, no matter my weight, my thighs were too big. I no longer considered myself “skinny” even if someone else said it.
My thighs were fat. Therefore, I was fat.
At the time I made the goal to never get above 100 lbs and decided on a low fat diet to achieve that aim. I’d only eat foods that had 3g of fat or less. This meant cereal, an english muffin with jelly for lunch and whatever my family was having for dinner.
In order to keep any disordered eating habits secret, I kept up appearances at dinner.
I lost the weight I had gained at my summer intensive. I also decided that all future summer intensives were opportunities to lose weight.
It Becomes an Obsession
The feelings around my body were pretty much all negative. My worth was dictated by the number on the scale. In my teens I started stepping on the scale obsessively throughout the day. The pain I felt each time I saw the number (I was never happy with it) radiated throughout each day.
My efforts to “restrict” were quickly dashed by the feelings of deprivation. I become an on and off binge eater switching off between “restricting” (being “good”) and binging (being “bad”).
Throughout my teens and early 20’s my weight fluctuated. It never got dangerously low so I somehow avoided any official Eating Disorder diagnosis, though one was clearly there.
During that time, I didn’t see anything good about my body. I didn’t appreciate my hyperextension or bendy feet because I was too busy hating everything I saw in the mirror.
When I went away to college, I was faced with the dichotomy of being a dance major with a lot of non-dance friends. Drinking and disordered eating have a hard time coexisting. If I drank too much, I’d lose control and end up eating. Still in the restrict-binge cycle it was easy to fall back into extremes.
My sophomore year I was injured and didn’t dance for a semester. I gained a lot of weight and weighed more than I ever had (though technically still at a healthy BMI). This led to more drinking (to dampen the pain and self-loathing), more eating, and lots of negative thoughts.
That summer, my goal was to lose the weight I had gained and then some. I wanted to return to school looking thinner than they had seen me. With more disordered eating practices, I succeeded.
It didn’t last.
Knowing only extremes, I had gone on an unsustainable raw-vegan diet. Somehow, with the ups and downs in food intake and the high level of activity I was able to maintain a low weight (though not as low as I wanted) and got my first professional job.
The Body I Wanted
Dancing professionally brought a new level of stress. Coping with the pressure of trying to prove myself while hating my body moved things to a breaking point.
I was burning out and felt powerless to stop it.
When I looked in the mirror, while I felt there was improvement technically, too much was still too large.
I was convinced that the problem with my dancing was my body. If only I were thinner, I would get the job, or the part. It was validation. I wanted “them” to tell me I was good enough…worthy.
I reached a goal weight my second year dancing professionally so I lowered my goal…in the moment it still wasn’t clear to me that no number would make me happy.
As I continued pursuing dance professionally, my negative body image was one of the most consistent things. It threaded it’s way throughout my journey stealing joy from moments that should have been satisfying.
An End, Almost
After a pretty bad foot/ankle injury that I struggled to come back from, I stopped dancing. Cold turkey. I went from grinding in the studio 6 days a week to nothing.
I started taking yoga classes. Listening to what the instructors said, I actually began to appreciate the capabilities of my body.
The absence of a mirror was a gift.
The other big thing that happened was I stopped caring what other people thought. When I stopped seeking external validation I was able to truly take care of myself.
Over time, I stopped dieting. To heal my relationship with food and my body I allowed all foods. None were “bad”. It was all just food.
For the last 7 years, if you asked me I’d have said my body image issues were resolved. I honestly stopped hating my body. In fact, I love my body and my self…I’m perfectly imperfect and totally unique.
In all honesty, there were moments when a negative thought might pop up. However, I became a true pro at squashing them upon arrival.
Then, last Fall I got pregnant with my first child. Something we had planned for (though it didn’t happen right away). Throughout pregnancy, I welcomed the physical changes. I was (mostly) ok with the scale going up knowing that I was growing a human.
It was after my daughter arrived that some body stuff resurfaced.
It’s worth noting, that with pregnancy and postpartum there’s a lot going on. Physically, emotionally, spiritually…you’re firing on all cylinders. And for the most part, I was able to remind myself – “you just birthed a human” and “it took 9 months of pregnancy to get here, your body won’t bounce back overnight.”
But, I also googled, ” how long does it take loose skin to tighten” more times than I’d like to admit.
Ultimately, I knew that the foundations of body positivity that I had been setting for the last 7 years would support me through this new phase. Walking the walk in the principles of healthy eating + positive body image that I work through with each of my clients would support me in finding peace as my body and the way I view it continue to evolve.
One of the things I focus on with dancer’s is gratitude. I’m so grateful to have my beautiful baby, I’d choose her over abs any day of the week.
For you, if you relate to my experience, I’d love to hear from you. How has your body image evolved? If you’re struggling, know there is a way out. As dark as you might feel at times, the light has a way of finding it’s way in.
Find the positive. Focus on what’s going well. Practice gratitude. Seek support.
For me, I’m at a place of acceptance that my relationship with my body will continue to evolve. I plan to model body positivity and self love for my daughter in hopes that she’ll be able to avoid some of the pain of negative body image…I recognize what a challenge this will be. But I’m fully committed.
Do your best to see yourself in a positive light, it leads to a life of endless possibilities.